Ladies, Why do you push us away then blame us for a failed relationship?


I’ve spoken previously about the need to strengthen relationships, if you’re serious about building wealth.

Not just because divorce is a more destructive force on wealth than volatile investment markets but also because a couple working together, can achieve so much more than if they’re always at war together.

So ladies, here are some observations from watching couples for 14 years by sitting opposite them as a financial counsellor.

When it comes to relationship management, emotions and family, most men believe that you girls are the ones that are attuned to whatever is happening. Or at least we hope you are because we will readily admit to anyone that will listen that we don’t have a freakin’ clue about what is happening with you.

Sure, men of today, read more books about relationships, are more prepared to go to relationship seminars, and are generally more agreeable to spending the weekend with their girl instead of their mates. I even know one guy that let his future bride book their wedding on Grand Final weekend. A cause for instant dismissal from the ‘bro’ club in times of old and still even a little testy today

So, why then, do you wait until the relationship is bouncing against the rocks of life do you decide to take advantage of these things.

A guy’s love for his mate, ebbs and flows like the tide. One minute he can’t wait to get home to you, and will happily walk out on his mates to get home to you and others he’ll find any excuse to be with them, even if it’s only to get away from you.

From my experiences though, a woman is constantly in love with her man, sure there are times she wonders why she hasn’t throttled him while he sleeps but her love is true and constant, unless it’s been allowed to wane. Sort of like allowing the tide to go out slowly.

We don’t understand why you go through what you do, but we do understand that you’re better at relationships than us. So, why not use our ebb and flow to YOUR advantage. I’ve seen some women absolutely destroy their men and I just don’t understand why you do it.

I’ve even had a female client tell her husband that their marriage was over unless they used the strategy I’d recommended, while their 5 year old son was in the room. Talk about emasculation. I was horrified.

Every man ebbs and flows in different ways, the key is to look for your mans signals and reward him rather than punish him. Yes, we’re like children in that regard. We crave adoring attention. So, why not use it to your advantage.

This is easier than it sounds.

If your man comes home with flowers, clearly he is in flow and heading your way. So drop your guard and let him in. sarcastically, asking him what he’s done wrong, will not be deemed cutely amusing as you think but will remind him that keeping you happy is as likely as making his mother satisfied with the wife he took.

Congratulations, he may not let you see it. but you’ve just wounded his ego and sent him back into ebb.

Worse, if you’ve got sons who see your response, they learn that buying flowers for their future woman brings not rewards, but derision.

A man that contributes to cleaning the home or making the bed or cooking the dinner doesn’t do so because of your PC view that now you have your own careers we need to balance it with our contribution to home management. We do it because we’re feeling love for you and want you to see the effort we’ll go to for you.

Why does a man do more work around the home when you’re there than when you’re not. No, it’s not because you nag him to do so. It’s because he wants you to see him do it.

Treating that contribution like your God given right has consequences. Reward the little things and the big things will naturally follow.

If you want your man to attend a relationship building seminar, don’t wait until your relationship is on the rocks and you want to put a band aid on it. Plan to attend at least one every year, wait until he’s in flow and let him know in advance…..lots of advance.

If you spring it on us the week it’s happening, you’re likely to get a response you don’t want. He’s probably already got things in mind he wants to do this weekend.

Seriously, if he’s coming forward, be proactive about moving your relationship forward with him. It wouldn’t hurt to tell him to have some time with the boys the weekend following the event. His mates are going to tease him about it, it’s what we do but we all know the stats on relationships, they’ll be silently and staunchly proud that he made the effort for you. And he’ll probably share some stuff with them that he learnt.

Someone will give a man like that the adoring attention he needs, if not you then who?

That friend of yours who always seems a little too friendly with him when she greets you both?

11 thoughts on “Ladies, Why do you push us away then blame us for a failed relationship?

  1. Sharon Tregoning

    Wow, soooo much going through my head at the moment…firstly thank you for expressing some of what is going through a bloke’s brain. The insights really do help. And I totally agree with you about some women totally emasculating their men & it gets me really angry.

    I do have to ask though, isn’t the bloke also responsible for ensuring that his needs are met by voicing them? Just as you blokes can’t read our minds, we are not always able to read yours & I believe that any relationship be it marriage, family, friendship etc is a 2 way street, with all parties being responsible for voicing their needs/wants/desires etc

    If either party is not saying straight out what they need & are not having their needs met, I do not believe they can hold the other party responsible – no mater who it is. If we do voice our needs & they continue to not be met, then it’s time to review what the relationship is really about & determine it’s value & long term viability for all concerned.

    Thanks for the thought prompts Rodney xxx

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  2. sharonaheartspaceinspired

    Wow, soooo much going through my head at the moment…firstly thank you for expressing some of what is going through a bloke\’s brain. The insights really do help. And I totally agree with you about some women totally emasculating their men & it gets me really angry.

    I do have to ask though, isn\’t the bloke also responsible for ensuring that his needs are met by voicing them? Just as you blokes can\’t read our minds, we are not always able to read yours & I believe that any relationship be it marriage, family, friendship etc is a 2 way street, with all parties being responsible for voicing their needs/wants/desires etc

    If either party is not saying straight out what they need & are not having their needs met, I do not believe they can hold the other party responsible – no mater who it is. If we do voice our needs & they continue to not be met, then it\’s time to review what the relationship is really about & determine it\’s value & long term viability for all concerned.

    Thanks for the thought prompts Rodney xxx

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  3. @KrishnaEverson

    Hi Rodney, just want to say how much I am loving your insights!! I feel like I am in my husbands head, and it’s preparing me for conversations we are going to have. Thankyou very much! Are you sure you are in the right job? xx

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Thanks Krishna, you flatter me.

      It’s funny, I’ve been asking myself the same thing. Perhaps theres a book there somewhere about relationships and wealth.

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  4. Jenni @ Embrace Ordinary

    10 years ago this week i left my husband, the last 2 years had been the hardest. The one thing on those final days that sticks in my mind is when we sat our 3 children down 11, 9 and 5 yrs old, and told them we were separating, they had no idea that there was anything wrong. They were really surprised that we weren’t staying together anymore. Knowing that we hadn’t inflicted untold verbal stress on them was a good feeling amongst the upheaval of separation.
    I definitely am looking forward to having an adoring man in my life. A solid connected partnership that ebbs and flows together, saying thank you to flowers on unexpected occasions and seeing the love in his eyes as he hands them over… mmmmm yes that is definitely something that makes my heart sing.

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Everyone deserves to have a mate that looks upon them with adoring eyes.

      Can I ask a personal question which you can ignore if you like. I’m curious because my Dad died over 9 years ago and my mum still hasn’t moved on.

      10 years is a long time to be without a partner IMO. Have you felt at any time, that you used your children as an excuse to protect your heart from being hurt again?
      If so, what are your fears now that your kids are nearly all old enough to go out and start their lives without you?
      What are your fears about re-entering the dating scene?

      much love, rod

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      1. Jenni @ Embrace Ordinary

        Rodney can i use these questions as a prompt for a blog post in July? I’m very happy to answer and explore them deeper as i write. These questions i have asked myself many times and recently had great insight into me and am more at peace than ever before.

        To give a short answer here: When i separated i made a soul pledge with myself that in future relationships it would be equal and there would be no more rescuing the broken bird and spending all my life propping him up so he feels good about himself. 5 years later i met someone who at first appearances appeared to be strong and all together, turns out he was another broken bird. I stayed with him for 2 years until i started to study life coaching and set him free. This is when my hibernation really started…
        I’m excited about entering the dating scene, really excited. I love meeting new people, gaining new friends and knowing my adoring man is out there somewhere. For the second time in my life i really feel like i am stepping into me. Empowered, inspired and my authentic awesome self. And that feeling rocks.

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  5. Kathryn Hodges

    Rod,
    I really love your style.
    It’s easy and safe to talk about the rules, compliance, strategies etc.

    It is much harder to sensitively talk about our real life stories.

    Thank you for sharing this. I hadn’t ever really thought about an ebb and flow with my husband. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It just means I was looking through my own paradigm.

    Keep writing. I reckon that perhaps you and I should get together to see how we can help people stay away from the rocks, or get back out to sea again quickly.
    K x

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  6. Pingback: Prompt 2 – Stepping Out From Within | Ordinary is NOT a dirty word!

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