Can I Really Love Fat Me? If I Don’t, Why Should Anyone Else?


Can I really love fat me? Could anyone?

Self Loathing is no path to happiness.

I read somewhere recently that you cannot start to heal your physique and health while simultaneously hating the body it’s wrapped in.

That really sucks!

I hate being fat. It’s a battle I’ve had non stop all my life. I ride the roller coaster of body transformation every year and just as I get close to looking like the inner vision I have of myself, I break out.

I stop excercising, and I start consuming all the stuff that I not only know contributes to the problem but also foods that I don’t even enjoy. Why else would you buy 4 hour old deep fried anything from a petrol station after refueling your car.

And the shame of it is, I know that it’s a programme and I know where it comes from. I’ve seen photos of me in my youth and I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would tell that kid that he was fat and ugly.

Fighting the battle of Self Loathing

But somehow, I’ve managed to manifest that programme into my reality. I get to look in the mirror everyday and find staring back at me, a man I no longer recognise. I am not one of those people who extra weight sits on comfortably.

I look awkward and unsightly, I look like someone who does nothing but sit around, watching TV and swilling beer when I’m not gorging myself on cheap takeaway.

But I’m not that person. I love life, I love getting out and enjoying every part of life that comes my way.

And yet, here I am overweight and unhappy. If I didn’t need to spend time with people to generate my income, I’d probably become agoraphobic, such is my fear of people seeing me in my current state.

I am not myself in this state. I feel like I’m living someone else’ life, some else’ pain.

I know which foods are good for me. I know which forms of excercise bring me joy and value. I even know great strategies for losing fat quickly and how to avoid putting it all back on, because I’ve used all of them before with great success.

And yet here I am. A man searching through his soul for a way to win his battle. To feel love for a body that only repulses him. I know I’m not the only one. I see the sadness in the eyes of other soldiers, my other brothers who feel forever like their bodies are hiding some great pain that they don’t want anybody to know about.

What about you? What great self programming battles have you fought and won? Which ones are you still fighting?

14 thoughts on “Can I Really Love Fat Me? If I Don’t, Why Should Anyone Else?

  1. Ann-Mhayra Aleckson

    Rodney, wow…a confronting post to read and bravo to you for writing it. We all have programmes running don’t we, some around body issues, others all financial and yet others around certain types of behaviours. I am lucky in that my major programme (about aggressive males in my life) was broken through in a session with one of my mentors who then taught me his very special and barely known non-self-disclosure method which I use to help my clients. The day after I broke through that one, I made a dramatic change to my life that I never would have made otherwise. You can overcome this and anything else. It takes courage and you have that in spades don’t you ๐Ÿ™‚
    Ann-Mhayra x

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Thanks Ann. I don’t think courage has ever been my problem ๐Ÿ™‚

      It’s amazing to me how many programmes each of us. And the sad thing is, that rarely our own. Programmes that are put there by other people. Sometimes by people with poor execution of good intentions but other times, people with only malice in their own journeys.

      Thanks for commenting, your love is valuable to me.

      rod

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  2. Pauline

    I think you’re very brave to put this out there. I applaud you. At the same time, I completely get where you’re coming from. I have had much of the same programming in my life, I remember vividly “you could be so pretty if you just lost a bit of weight”… and yes, like most women my age, I now wish I was the size I was back then when I was convinced I was fat!

    I’ve been told that half the battle is recognising the problem, seeing where the pattern started, and trying to understand (as an adult) the pain and issues of the person who said this to us (as a child). Because as a child we believe everything a person in authority tells us… and our adult mind still holds everything from when we were a child, and believes it. We have to – we need to do what we’re told, otherwise we risk rejection, and as a helpless child, that would’ve been fatal.

    However, breaking free of that might need a bit more than just recognition. Amanda Foy has done a reiki release on me, and I’m not positive how that’s going to spread through my entire psyche, but I can tell you I’ve been my whimsical and laughing self all day, even through some less than good things.

    But good luck with moving on from this! And matey, you’re not alone, and you’re certainly not unlovable!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Thanks Pauline

      More proof that we really do, often become the product of other peoples words.

      We are very careful about the words we use to speak to our children. I often wonder how many people regret the things they say to children, especially their own.

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  3. Kama Frankling (@GNConfidence)

    I can relate to this post so much. It seems to me that you have hit that point where enough is enough. Maybe today is the first step towards reprogramming? I am somewhat lucky because I struggle with arthritis in both hips due to many operations as a child. Why is this lucky? Because it means I have no choice but to watch what I eat and to exercise. Failure to do so will lead to not being able to get up in the morning. I have also discovered something life changing in regards to reprogramming. This may sound a bit woo woo but here goes … I discovered a few years ago that we can chose to change our past and thereby change our present. If you can recall the point in your life when you started this particular journey then you can chose to go back to that point in your mind and change it. How? By making another choice in your mind which will send a ripple effect to today. This new choice in the past will change how you feel now. I know it sounds strange but it really works. I

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  4. Rochelle Stone

    Excess baggage, we all have it – just in different forms. More often than not, it is our minds that create the blockage preventing us from moving past the excess baggage. And when we let our minds take control, all hell breaks loose.

    Those that love us, don’t mind the curves, bumps or beer belly (I’ve been fed dude food twice this week as I am getting too skinny) – what creates the fracture is that our love ones can see the unhappiness in our hearts and souls.

    We need to make a promise to ourselves to take a step each day towards being the person that we truly are – and shake some of the excess baggage.

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Thanks for commenting Rochelle. I think that the most important thing to remember here is not that we must conform to someone elses idea of beauty but of our own.

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  5. forcingmyselfhappy

    I’m so sorry you feel so down on yourself. Have you tried looking up The Size acceptance movement.?
    I know lot’s of fat people and lots of fat people who have fat partners (Both fat and thin) who love/Fancy them. My own Partner is almost 400lbs and I think they are beautiful.
    I hope you find self acceptance soon.
    Love and light xxLisa

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    1. rodneybukuya Post author

      Hi Lisa,

      Thanks for dropping by. I’ve never heard of the size acceptance movement, so I’ll check it out. My problem isn’t so much that I am overweight but that I know it’s not really me. The real me is hiding in here, no longer needing the protection that additional body size brings, now I just need to release it.

      Thanks for following my blog. I hope you find my posts add value to your life in some way.

      Rod

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