I read somewhere recently that you cannot start to heal your physique and health while simultaneously hating the body it’s wrapped in.
That really sucks!
I hate being fat. It’s a battle I’ve had non stop all my life. I ride the roller coaster of body transformation every year and just as I get close to looking like the inner vision I have of myself, I break out.
I stop excercising, and I start consuming all the stuff that I not only know contributes to the problem but also foods that I don’t even enjoy. Why else would you buy 4 hour old deep fried anything from a petrol station after refueling your car.
And the shame of it is, I know that it’s a programme and I know where it comes from. I’ve seen photos of me in my youth and I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would tell that kid that he was fat and ugly.
Fighting the battle of Self Loathing
But somehow, I’ve managed to manifest that programme into my reality. I get to look in the mirror everyday and find staring back at me, a man I no longer recognise. I am not one of those people who extra weight sits on comfortably.
I look awkward and unsightly, I look like someone who does nothing but sit around, watching TV and swilling beer when I’m not gorging myself on cheap takeaway.
But I’m not that person. I love life, I love getting out and enjoying every part of life that comes my way.
And yet, here I am overweight and unhappy. If I didn’t need to spend time with people to generate my income, I’d probably become agoraphobic, such is my fear of people seeing me in my current state.
I am not myself in this state. I feel like I’m living someone else’ life, some else’ pain.
I know which foods are good for me. I know which forms of excercise bring me joy and value. I even know great strategies for losing fat quickly and how to avoid putting it all back on, because I’ve used all of them before with great success.
And yet here I am. A man searching through his soul for a way to win his battle. To feel love for a body that only repulses him. I know I’m not the only one. I see the sadness in the eyes of other soldiers, my other brothers who feel forever like their bodies are hiding some great pain that they don’t want anybody to know about.
What about you? What great self programming battles have you fought and won? Which ones are you still fighting?